Thursday, January 11, 2018

Faux Interview with Late Mitchell Warren, 2005, Cry on Cue Release

An Interview With Dame Floren Felvturn
(And some goof named Warren)

It was an unbearably dreary day for Floren Felvturn. Her flight had been delayed, luggage was misplaced, and premenstrual cramps were working their magic on the ultra-loving Madame with spite. And then just as she quipped that things couldn’t get any worse or her long wait become any more tedious, there Mitchell Warren seated himself, inches away from Floren’s heart with the worst possible question on his mind.

“I hate chick lit,” groused Warren to a total stranger, but one that he considered pretty enough to complain to.

Floren lowered her brow, gritted her teeth and replied with a taunting grin. “Do you? Why is that? Misogyny or simply a case of ennui?”

And from those humble beginnings came the demon spawned Cry On Cue, arguably one of the most scathing exercises in literary criticism and social satire the publishing world has ever seen.
From those humble beginnings until today, Floren Felvturn has always considered Mitchell Warren the most miserable, dissatisfied, insufferable human being ever mistakenly born and allowed to enjoy the wonderful gait that is called life. She says having an intellectual conversation with Warren is comparable to being viciously beaten to death by joyful Christians, and to flirt with Warren as a sexual being is such a bizarre experience, it must be on the same level as seducing a catatonic.

Yet, for all her personal criticisms, Floren never once doubted that Warren was the one and only writer worthy to turn her personal story and rambling memoirs into a coherent and marketable novel.
For the first of two interviews, Webmaster Sara J. Lamb interviewed both writer and “editor” regarding the book as well as their strange, indefinable relationship that is at the heart of Cry On Cue’s ultimate mystery.

SL: First of all, I’m obviously sitting here, talking to two different people. So yes, Floren Felvturn is a real person. But I need an honest answer, guys. Is Cry On Cue Floren or Mitchell’s book?
MW: In the literary sense, it is my book. I structured the book, I wrote a lot of the words and ensured that the jumping narratives flowed together smoothly and were always closely connected so as to be understood. However, Floren deserves the credit as far as the byline goes. It’s her story, a great deal of it is her life.

FF: And yes, as Master Warren Bubba confessed with contempt, not all of the book is one hundred percent truth. I took some liberties and added an inordinate amount of sexual content for my perverted amusement. And Mitchell’s as well. The [scene] in the Jeep had Mitchy boy racing like a blue-arsed fly.

SL: Now is as good a time as any. Mitchell, what do you think of the many obscure colloquialisms Floren uses? Will they affect the mainstream marketability of the book?

MW: Again, that was one of the things I ensured as an editor. Whereas Floren’s original source material, that being her poems, scribblings and oral stories–

FF: I have a bevy of “oral stories”, babe.

MW: Right. (Laughs) Obviously that collection, unedited would have been unmarketable and hardly readable. Not because it wasn’t interesting. More like, it was just too interesting. Too much for a reader to digest. So one of my assignments was to make this strange, impenetrable novel readable and understandable for a mainstream audience.

SL: But would you still classify this book as an experimental novel?

MW: Absolutely. There are some shocking moments in this book that will really test readers and obviously, some of the aesthetic techniques would also challenge traditional publishers and literary agents who are, of course, only interested in the safest kind of mainstream available.

SL: How much of this book is based on your life experience?

FF: A great deal of it is based on truth. I admit this, I do, that there is one act in the book, that is, very obviously, symbolism. And without giving the whole shagging thing away, it is the most memorable sequence in the book. So there will be no gratuitous head scratching. It is patently clear, in the end. But for the most part, yes, it is true. It is my life, and it smells like Tuna sometimes, but eat it anyway, Deacon.

MW: “Ahem”. Anyway, I would suggest that while the story is based on truth, there are also some moments of the surreal that go along with the anti chick-lit campaign.

SL: So if you had to choose a percentage…would you say at least 75% of the story is fact?

FF: I say 69% is fact.

SL: Okay then. Be honest now. The whole biography of Floren Felvturn is exaggerated, isn’t it? You’re telling people you were a nymphomaniac who went around propositioning all sorts of men and never got “lucky.” That has to be a liberty taken.

FF: There was a time in my life when I was very dischuffed. In my youth. Now did I exaggerate real events? Naturally. And the bugger Mitchell used his own exaggerations with the word usage. I feel no need to convey to divvys what parts are real or fake. Breasts and traumatic pasts are two difficult subjects you should be weary of inquiring on

MW: Remember now. This is an experimental novel. Not a memoir or a work of nonfiction. After knowing that, a person can draw their own conclusions as to what is real or what is illusion.
SL: Floren, you’ve made it clear how sad and unlucky your youth was. Have you finally found love and lost your virginity?

FF: I have misplaced my cherry! Have you seen it rolling about on the ground? It is mine! Step lightly! I need to stuff the little glob back in! Yes, I am happy to say that I have found love in its purest form and am now living happily ever after with ten non-aborted children and a picket fence. Since I have reverted back to Catholicism, I no longer use birth control and shoot unwanted babies out of me like a vending machine. Whenever my BF or FB, whichever term you prefer, walks around the house he is literally stepping on children’s arms and feet. It is quite sad, really.

MW: In case you can’t discern sarcasm.

SL: I can, believe it or not.

FF: I have found love, yes I would say that. And it was not with Mitchell Warren! Hard to fathom. I can only imagine shagging such a disturbed and pessimistic creature would be a very unique and disconcerting experience. Would you wear your hat while we did it? When you c___ Mitchy baby, do you actually bring yourself to smile and show teeth saying, (imitating Mitchell’s grousing in heat) “Hey what do you know? This is all right. I guess I’m feeling okay. Ah, this is interesting. Hmm, life is not such a dismal experience after all.”

MW: All right, Floren.

SL: (Laughs) So now is a good time to touch upon the antagonistic relationship that lies between you two. When did this begin? The story of how you two met differs greatly from the “story” of Merrill Janeen (Jaded_Sapphira) and The Late Mitchell Warren of Attempted Rapture fame. Care to explain?

MW: Well, obviously that whole thing was a work. We were just starting “The Publish America Show” and wanted to parody a lot of the avenues of self publishing and traditional publishing. And so the idea of writing forums came to me, and how seriously writers all take meaningless and endless debate. So I started “The Cult Of Mitchell Warren” forum as a parody. Floren was already helping me on some of the writing for The Publish America Show” and so then we had an idea to do a spoof of the typical “flamer” on writing forums. That is someone who just pops up out of nowhere and starts creating conflict. So we had our back and forth moments where we insulted each other. Some thought we took it too far, whereas Floren and I thought it was just hilarious. And then the topper of course, was when Floren played Merrill at the Publish America review page and sabotaged all of the pages with negative reviews. I thought it was hilarious and anarchic. I think Publish America did too, which explain why they never censored any of it. Controversy sells. Besides, no one reads The PA Reviews page anyway, so we were just having some fun with it.

FF: And I as have stated in explicit detail, and I state everything explicitly in case you haven’t f___ing noticed, a lot of my spiteful messages to Mitchell were improvised and deep from within the heart. It is so easy to spew malicious hate for a man so dreadfully incorrigible as Mitch.

SL: Mitchell, do you consider Cry On Cue to be your second work, as a successor to Attempted Rapture or is it a completely different story?

MW: I think in many ways it complements Rapture nicely. I don’t think Cry On Cue is as disturbing or graphic as Rapture. But that doesn’t say much, because Cry On Cue is still more feral than ninety-percent of the books out there.

SL: Anything to say about Attempted Rapture? If you talk about an anarchic marketing campaign, that has to go down in the record books.

MW: Absolutely. I think Rapture’s marketing campaign was truly ahead of its time. And no doubt Publish America deserves a lot of credit for preserving artistic integrity. Virtually everything I asked for was put into the manuscript. Also as regards the content, I don’t think any traditional publisher or even some POD companies would have allowed some of the adult subject matter in the final draft. From the very beginning Rapture was a book that dared to be censored by the publishing world, one that asked for trouble, and one that not surprisingly met with a lot of opposition upon its release. Who knows, if not for Publish America, Rapture may have never seen the light of day. No other book publisher, traditional or print on demand, would have allowed such a willfully offensive, artistically hazardous and “unpublishable” book to be released under their name. To this day, to read the banned Rapture is an amazing experience as buyers of the book have told me.

FF: Wow, Mitchell. That is so interesting. And now, will you please tell us about the size of your Hampton wick? Since this interview is all about you and your intricacies.

MW: I digress. Let’s get back to Floren.

SL: Is Publish America publishing Cry On Cue?

MW: Sorry, Floren. The next question is yours. PA and I could not come to an agreement. So this book will be released under the name of a different publisher.

SL: Interesting. Do you think The Publish America Show might have had something to do with that?

MW: Very possible. (Laughs) But I regret nothing.

SL: Floren, what was your inspiration in writing this book?

FF: My best friend Paula. Also, my coy nod to optimism and wishful thinking. Never had a place for them in my life, until more recent times. I think after a person experiences amazing sex on a consistent basis it helps with some of the hangin’ turmoil brewing inside. Case in point, I could never attempt to tell my story until I got banged up by a funny looking bloke. Sex is surprisingly not overrated. It really is the best thing since sliced bread.

MW: Well, I guess I wouldn’t know.

FF: (Laughs hard) What do you say, for an exclusive to this website, I will give you a free knobbing. Just so you will shut up once and for all and stop being a moaning Minnie.

MW: Please don’t. (Laughs) Some things are better left to the imagination.

SL: Why is this book described as an Anti Chick-Lit book?

FF: I believe there is an audience for this sort of book. That Is, both men and women that are tired of reading predictable novels about typical female protagonists and their G-rated, approved by standards & practices, traditionally supervised foibles. I and Mitchell both agreed the first day we met that most romance novels, or even literary novels with strong female protagonists, rarely even take any artistic risks. Everything is so idealized and squity and is written for money not for creativity’s sake.

MW: Pardon me. Did you say squity? I know what that means. You didn’t use it correctly.

FF: Spit out your dummy, Master Warren Bubba.

MW: (Laughs) You have to listen to her sometimes. I swear she should still be in therapy. But yeah, I agree that I wanted to write an anti chick-lit book-a book about women but one that the destroys values of a typical romance novel. Also a book about a strong willed woman but one that would also appeal to men. Then I met Floren and she told me more than I ever wanted to know about her personal life-

FF: (Laughs) The dangleberries, the face-fungus, the sweet dutch oven moments…

MW: (Laughs) That doesn’t work anymore, babe. I know what it means.

SL: Finally to both of you. What is happiness to Mitchell Warren and Floren Felvturn?

MW: Happiness cannot be defined. It is only to be felt.

FF: A Spam-Javelin at the Olympics. No, no. Joshing, joshing. Sit down, Mitchell. I would have to say like I do in the book, “Oi Oi savaloy, chillax and relax! If only we were to look a little closer at every trifle, we would find that love besieges us-that there is no escaping such a wonderful thing.”

SL: I’m sure everyone feels the same way. In their own manner of speaking.

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