Thursday, April 5, 2018

Late Mitchell Warren RIP

Late Mitchell Warren is a character I created years ago because I was afraid of speaking my mind...and because I was eager to offend everyone, troll everyone on the Internet, and prove something to the world.

Nowadays I don't really care about any of that stuff.

I think this is what 40 feels like, realizing that the stuff that really bothered you in your 20s really doesn't matter in the stream of time.

Politics and religion today will all be irrelevant in another 1000 years. We only pile on the miseries by devoting so much time to nonsensical right vs left hyperbole.

We burden ourselves with stress, sleepless nights, and bouts of rage over the fact that we can't change certain animals from following their instincts and being those animals. (P.S. the answer is always has been and always will be)

But I think maybe there is clarity as you grow older.

There is symmetry in admitting that you don't know. That everything we tell ourselves about what "IS", what IS for sure, is all speculation, the pats and caresses we give ourselves because we're afraid to admit some things are unknowable.

Happiness is realizing that none of it matters, and that "nihilism" is simply trying to see the ends of the universe from a microscope. What matters is not how you define life and the universe, because such perspective-based dogma is as useful as your grocery list. Such is merely the things that sustain you.

Happiness is in experiencing joy in the little moments. Because joy reminds you that you're alive. Joy is life.

Negativity reminds you that Life is not ENOUGH. It's a death sentence to an intelligent person. It's a prescription for insanity, especially if you write a million words about allegorical depressive nonsense.

Happiness is not being optimistic about your plan to change the world. It's about *not* changing the world and accepting that you never will. It's about admitting your complete lack of value, a minutia of life, a infinitesimal speck that grew from space mold. But still finding the time to enjoy Good Things.

Your perspective, your mindfulness, allows you to enjoy good things.

Happiness is in realizing that life is all a hologram. And that there really is no difference between THEN and NOW. All you are is your current perspective and what you think your memories have turned you into.

All you are is what you accept that you "see" in real time. Whatever it is that you see, the lies you tell yourself, or the illusions you insist are there, will be your reality as you know it.

I realized this just a few days ago, when I experienced what is called "unconscious selective attention."

For about two years, I've been occasionally going to a local church. In this building, I saw an empty wall in the corner.

I had always considered it a fire hazard since the emergency exit door was on the other side of the building. What if there was a fire or a shooter? I sit near the in the event of disaster, I would be sitting against an empty wall with no escape.

I had numerous conversations with people about that empty wall. I thought about it a little obsessively for the longest time.

Most people I talked to about it said, "I doubt anything would ever happen" or "If that happens, just work your way back towards the library room and lay low." (No mention of the fact that the fire exit was RIGHT THERE and all I would have to do is just exit quickly from that door that was just a few feet away from me)

Then, one day I suddenly noticed that there was a huge fire exit door with a fire extinguisher. It had been there the whole time, but I never saw before it until that day.

I told my wife about seeing that "empty wall" and had full conversations with her about my paranoia of something bad happening because of a lack of an exit door.

Then the last time I mentioned it, she said, "What are you talking about? The second emergency exit door has ALWAYS been there." (Proving that they did not just recently install it)

To my perspective, it seemed as if the fire escape appeared out of thin air. I could argue all day that it was in fact NOT there and that the environment changed. That was "fact" to me, that it wasn't there, because my perspective told me it was.

Was it always there (and am I going senile) or did it suddenly appear? Was this a glitch in the matrix?

No, my perspective and my unconscious simply demanded that it wasn't there and so I never saw it.

That experience helped me to realize something else about my current perspective: that I don't like myself.

I don't like the person I've become.

I am the result of a lifetime of mistakes and on hyper-focusing on the most negative, depressing and vile stories of humanity. I am an internally, destructive force, the cerebral equivalent of a tornado, and all my friends, enemies and acquaintances can hope to do is survive my presence.

I no longer consider myself a writer. I am retiring from writing permanently. Tis better to leave the world in the hands of writers who believe in something...who still have faith, or hope, or vision, preferably something better than the swamp of futility that I refuse to leave. The nothingness, the frailty, the imperfection and the suffering of mankind that only the depressive perspective sees.

I think my life is more than half over. Another thing you realize about turning 40: all the seeds you sowed from 18 and on either grow or they die within 20 years.

To the young, I suggest you sow those seeds as soon as possible rather than waiting. Because when you're my age, it's time to start ENJOYING what you have, rather than waste anymore time chasing rainbows.

Most of the friendships and career opportunities I had in my 20s have long expired. Even some of my best friends are dead or at least are ghosts of their former selves, back when I knew them.

What do I have to show for my life 40 years later? Just over 100 friends on my other profile and a much longer list of acquaintances who used me for various purposes and forgot me when they found better offers elsewhere.

I now cling to what still IS, rather than what could have been.

The only thing I have left in this world is not anything I have to give, but only what I have been given.

My wife Heather Warren who has tolerated my stupidity and (Mary) melancholy for ten years, like a wonderful and fearless witch. (And I use witch only in the most respectful and affectionate terms-witches are beautiful)

That, together with the fact that she can stand my horrifically ugly face and my even more demonic and poisonous personality, which has historically repelled all other women, is a testament to her moral and intellectual strength.

She is and always will be my Prince Valiant - a character from "The Twin Flame", a book I will probably never finish. But the point was, she is pure, she is stalwart and the incorruptible knight every Disney Princess dreams of marrying. Nothing of which I deserve, but that which has been generously given to me.

I will spend the rest of my life enjoying my limited time with her. Enjoying life and shunning the depression and moral decay that has permeated my life for so long. Hopefully, my parents will move up near me too, and give me a few moments of peace.

I have no more time to waste wondering where I went wrong in life. I only want to dwell on happy thoughts from now until the end of this world, and this human body, because I have dug myself into the molten bottom of despair and discovered Hell for what it always has been - the present-tense perspective of human suffering.

The book "Jaded Sapphira" ends with my legendary character Hal Persill committing suicide as retribution to a God he hated. He does so without ever learning of his daughter Floren's existence. She was, perhaps, the only thing that could have made him happy in life. She was the blessing of God that he missed, in his arrogance, and in his nihilism.

All these years later, I understand why I wrote it. As a reminder not to go down that path - it's a road to nowhere.

So yes, I do consider myself *blessed* in that I have a wife who loves me. She is quite literally, I feel, what God has given me in this life.

What I needed to survive, what I LACKED from a previous life, because I missed the point of existence when I lived so self-indulgently as King Solomon.

She is God's blessing, a love note from the Universe and she always has been. Whatever God is, if he/she exists, permeates the likes of such an honorable and altruistic creature.

Feel free to join me on my other pages...but know that Late Mitchell Warren is officially dead.

A short parable

Once upon a time, there lived a fun, loving, passionate and compassionate prince who was fair and very sure of “Happily Ever After.”   ...